I totally agree a blog post from Black Door Press that trust to the 10th power is required in finding a Dom. I believe most people (myself included) have been so incredibly eager to find a Dom that they have NOT played it safe in order to protect themselves emotionally, physically and psychologically. I was so incredibly fortunate to find my Master and he was “the one”. I think there is one main rule – talk, talk, talk! I don’t think that a sub should submit to any Tom, Dick or Harry that comes along and demands submission. That is not the way it works. A sub has the choice to “give” her submission. But how can she make a wise choice without thorough research and investigation.
I think, first of all, that a sub needs to know what she desires in a Dom. Don’t we all have different needs and desires? Doesn’t a Master or a Dom? So, first of all, one has to decide what they desire in their partner. That really should be the case in any relationship, vanilla or other. I desired a Master that was comfortable with all my kinks and did not have any kinks that I was totally against. Maybe he would have some kinks that I was on the fence about or not sure about because I hadn’t experienced, but that leads to the fact that no means no and/or a safe word means just that. I believe that if their is a Master who thinks that ultimate submission means no limits is not realistic. But that leads to the subject of pushing.
Guess what?! My limits have changed over time. How? Because my Master pushed very, very slowly. In fact, I did not really know it. He knew it. He gradually, probably using the power of suggestion, gradually led me to desires that I didn’t think that I had. But, on the other hand, I knew and know, without a doubt, that he would never push me too far. He is a smart Master. He knows that pushing too far would break trust, even if just a little, and THAT is NOT taking care of your sub. If you want a sub to serve, you have to gain her trust and that is not a quick thing. A smart Master will take his time in gaining dominance over a sub and then take his time to groom his sub to fulfill his desires.
All of these things – how do you find them out? Again…talk, talk, talk! Talking about everyday things will let you both see how your lives might mesh in real life. Asking questions and discussing answers honestly will let you see where you are compatible in your desires, where gray lines are they may lead to interesting things, and where definite fears and nos are. Reading erotic stories and then discussing what we liked and didn’t like about them was an awesome way for my Master and I to get to know more about each other. I would tell what I did or didn’t like or what I was not sure about. I would ask him what he might do in that situation or if he liked a scenario or not. And he would do likewise. My Master enjoyed writing little stories to me to show me his desires or to see what I thought.
Finally, my Master and I have been together many years. 5 of those years we have been married now. We are the best of friends. We tell each other we are the best of friends and we love being with one another whether being low-key in our Dom/sub relationship due to LIFE or whether behind closed doors or whether going out and playing with others. IMHO – being best friends, communicating A LOT, and having the same dreams of the future is what makes us in a lasting Dom/sub relationship that is ever growing.