Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

ethics          plural of eth·ics (Noun)

1. Moral principles that govern a person’s or group’s behavior.

2. The moral correctness of specified conduct.

I think most people believe that morals and ethics are related to whether anyone is doing something to hurt someone else.  And also, whether it is legal or not.  Unfortunately a lot of kink is still on the law books as an illegal act.  Take for example the woman who was “going down” on her husband and a neighbor lady saw them through their window and called police.  Well, I’m sorry, but there are a lot of sexual acts like fellatio and sodomy that are quite, quite common (as in, most people do it) and they just haven’t been taken off of the law books yet.  In fact, if you google it, there are so so many laws that haven’t been taken off of the law books yet.  And the reason is because it takes time and money to do that and other priorities arise above the law about not riding your camel through town.

Check it out…

But, then again, some laws do correspond to my views on the ethics of kink…such as play with minors.  That is definitely off-limits.

Just like harassment, abuse can be perception.  If someone feels that they are being abused, even if they are consenting to a bdsm relationship, then obviously something is not right.

If, on the other hand, what may be a beating that results in bruises, that brings pleasure to that person, may just be the result of a consensual bdsm relationship.

Ethics or morals means rightness…doing what is believed to be right.  On that note, nothing and I mean, NOTHING, has ever felt so RIGHT, as being sub to my Master!!!


  1. I couldn’t agree more. I found it hilarious that for the last 19 years I’ve been committing a felony simply by living with my longtime partner. We never married and since we are heterosexual and not by definition a “domestic partnership” we were committing a felony by living together without being married. Ludicrous!

    As for morals, I think it is necessary to put oneself in the position of the other person before rendering an opinion. I always liked the way Star Trek dealt with the Klingons … their race gloried in a valiant death in battle. Many cultures frowned on that, but the point was that for a Klingon it made sense. So, you had to judge a Klingon by Klingon values.

    There’s not enough of that type of perspective in today’s world. That being said, I agree that there are some absolutes such as not involving a minor. The problem starts with the gray area, i.e., when is a minor capable of making a sound decision on their sexuality depite not being the arbitrary age of 18? That’s where the trouble and unanswered questions lie in my mind.

    • I agree with there being gray area on the age of consent, …..except for the fact that the law makes that area black and white…just be sure you know the law of that state, country, area, etc… LOL But on the other hand, there is a big difference between 20 and 40 in most cases. Most of the time, I think that a 20 year old has very little of enough experience to make a lot of decisions until they’ve had a lot more life experience. That being said, I have played with some 20 year olds and loved it, but I was with my Master and we weren’t looking for a Master/slave or commitment, but rather play. 🙂

  2. I have to confess being somewhat of a libertarian. I feel that people have the right to do as they pleases so long as it doesn’t interfere with someone else’s right or ability to do as they please. It’s where those desires between people intersect that we need government. I should have the right to have a nice car, so long as I don’t steal it from you. I should have the right to enjoy what ever sexual pleasures I desire so long as the person I am sharing them with is able to and does in fact consent. Which is why the assumptions people often make about submissive women really bug me. I find it funny that there seems to be less of a stigma about submissive men. It seems that being a submissive women sexually is an affront to the effort of women to progress socially so submissive women are shunned by those who are offended by that social issue. I find that to be interesting since one of the things the feminist movement has fought for (Which I am in fact a feminist myself) is the right for women to express themselves sexually as they see fit rather than as men see fit. So a woman who is strong enough and brave enough to consent to entering a relationship as a submissive despite the stigma should be hailed as a powerful feminist for living her sexual life on her terms. Especially since those terms are so socially unacceptable these days. Along the same vein, being a man who is dominant sexually and romantically the stigma can be far greater and is a very serious concern. Like tonight for example. My wife has bruises on her ass. Now she asked for them, and no I don’t in the OOO she asked for it way but that she looked me in the eye and requested that I spank her enough to leave bruises way. If someone who didn’t know about and understand our relationship saw those bruises WOW they would think I was a real abusive ass. They would make all kinds of assumptions. I have even heard people say that women who like to be submissive only like it because they have been abused in the past and that their Doms are taking advantage of that. People who do not agree with things can work very hard to explain consent away. You know I love doughnuts. No really I love them as in I would drive very far out of my way late at night to get one love them. To be honest I haven’t the slightest clue why I love them but I am sure if I looked deep and worked hard I could come up with some serious and meaningful reason for it. Or I could just be happy that I know there is something I enjoy that much and be happy about it. When I have a good doughnut I’m just enjoying it. Like when I spanked my wife the other night and gave her those bruises. Maybe there is something in my past or some deep traumatic birth trauma that made me enjoy being a control freak who like what I like. But since I have a consenting partner who I have a hell of a good time and afterwards we smile and cuddle and happily fall asleep together, maybe I just saying thank you to the universe and being happy is the way to go. I mean isn’t that what everyone wants? To find someone they love and have common desires with? I’m that lucky, luckiest man alive in fact. So when you talk ethics you have to remember that ethics tend to be measured by society where as responsibility is up to each of us alone. I am responsible for myself and my happiness. I am responsible for the effect I have on others and their happiness. I think if more people started assuming more of that responsibility and worrying less about what everyone else is doing and whether its right or wrong them everyone would end up living happier lives.

  3. I tend to agree with you that responsibility is first and foremost and that we really should adopt a live and let live attitude within reason for people. For me, that within reason comes down to productive/unproductive as the standard of judgement.

    I can let an abuser alone because it is his/her life but is that productive to the greater whole of society. In my experience (I grew up watching my sister be beaten by her husband and not in the she got off on it way), it is not productive to society as a whole to allow abusers off the hook. But, as I write this I see that the key element you mentioned is missing … consent. My sister didn’t consent to getting the shit beaten out of her.

    So, I guess you’ve hit the nail completely on the head .. all parties must consent and once any one individual fails to consent there must be an all stop.

    You’re post had me wondering something though … if your wife asked you to do something that you found objectionable, as her Master would you do it to satisfy her desire or is there a hard line? How much negotiation is there in the do’s and don’ts between you?

    I’m guessing the answer is probably obvious and goes back to hard limits, etc. But I don’t want to assume … my apologies if it’s an ignorant question.

  4. No need for apologies, any question is a good question as long as it is asked. And that is a very good question in fact. There are a lot of different styles and ideas out there about Dom/sub relationships. I wont say any one is right or wrong but rather that I feel some are more effective depending on the goal of the relationship. Currently I have one sub, who also happens to be my wife. So the goals in this D/s relationship are long term and very serious. So our life involves the normal mixture of work family and all the “normal” trimmings in addition to our bdsm and sexual relationship. My wife and I are also very different people from very different back grounds. So she does in fact ask things of me that are objectionable. They may not always be in direct relation to bdsm but then again when having a 24/7 D/s relationship most things aren’t. Since I feel the responsibility falls completely on the shoulders of the Dom to insure not only his contentment but that of his sub then taking all desires and needs of the sub into consideration is completely necessary. A sub should feel free and safe to come to her Dom with anything she needs or wants. And she should trust him to listen and honestly consider what she has to say. Being a Dom is not simply about taking what you want, it is a responsibility. The welfare and needs of a sub are with out a doubt the responsibility of the Dom. So when something is asked of me that I don’t really care for I have to weigh my desires as well as her’s before making a choice. A Dom who simply ignores his subs needs wont have a sub for long. Like all treasures a good sub takes work and sometimes that work means giving in on somethings in order to expand her faith in you to increase her comfort and willingness to submit.

  5. And I do have to comment on what Gillian said about her sister. Consent is key and far too many people forget that in relation to bdsm and D/s relationships. Being a Dom, a Master is something that is a gift from your submissive. Her submission is her gift to you in order to fulfill her needs and desires. A Master is NOT a Master with a sub and all Doms should remember that and behave accordingly. Taking care of your submissive by providing her with a safe and secure place to express herself herself if a Dom’s number one job. It is a power exchange relationship and though it sounds over played, with power comes responsibility. Abuse has NO place in bdsm or D/s relationships. In fact abuse has NO PLACE. Bdsm and D/s relationships are about two people working together to fulfill their mutual needs and desires. Abuse is about someone who has issues or a complete lack of social skills matched with self control and coping issues taking advantage of another person and their weaknesses to do harm for purely selfish and self centered reasons.

  6. Pingback: BDSM Challenge: Day Twenty-Two « SlutLyfe

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