Punishment – Mind Blowing Vulnerability

Does sex always make sense?   I NEED to feel a torture/punishment or something of the sort at times.  Sometimes feeling the punishment makes me feel so much better psychologically.  I guess I feel bad about myself for one thing or another.  (Mind you, I have high self-esteem, I believe.) But I often don’t feel that I’m being put in my place enough.  I  not only enjoy being owned, but I crave it.  The punishment makes me feel more subdued and vulnerable and I like that.  To me it is a release of the power that I have continually felt all my life.  I’ve been “in charge” a lot during my childhood and even in adulthood – whether being a parent or while at my job where I have many under that I must “tell what to do”.  It is exhausting and I really don’t think that I’m made to be in charge at all.  I do love my job but by the time I get home, I NEED to not feel that anymore.  I need a break.  I need a release.  I want to be taken care of.  Feeling vulnerable really satisfies that need for me.  To make me feel vulnerable, I need someone to take charge, to make me feel REALLY not in charge, perhaps even to be made to feel small, to feel I have little or no control.  This doesn’t have to be sexual at all, but having an orgasm is very much a vulnerable feeling and not having control over orgasm is even more mind blowing vulnerability.  

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