Day 15 – Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?
I definitely think that my submission has evolved and I believe that it is still evolving. Though I think that I am submissive in nature, I do have aspects of my personality and life that are not submissive fully. I believe that is because my past life demanded it. I was previously married to someone who was NOT a Dominant and had no wish to be, as he said. I, therefore, had to take on the Dominant role – I don’t mean sexually, but rather just in making life go for our family. His job required lots of travel, too, so that meant I had to step up. However, I found this to be really stressful, especially because on top of my being inherently submissive, I am also very indecisive sometimes. When I first discovered Dom/sub lifestyles, I was somewhat apprehensive but then realized that if you really can trust the other person to make the best decisions or at least to have your best interests at heart, too, then you can learn to release control.
When my Master and I first got together, my Master was smart enough to discuss lots and lots of aspects of Dom/sub control with me. He masterfully took over control of things slowly and carefully to the point where we are today. It has been a journey of ups and downs with controls ebbing and flowing between my relinquishment and his taking or giving control to me over certain aspects of life. For example, there was a period of time where he began to tell me what clothes to where. This has been a difficult one in our relationship because I have certain clothes for work and also because of weight gain and loss and then gain. I have clothes that fit currently and clothes that don’t. He saw that it was stressing me out for him to pick my clothing all the time, because of comfort and my views on how I should look at work. So, now I pick out my clothes for work and he picks them out for other times. I see that evolving over time.
Our Dom/sub relationship ebbs and flows and therefore evolves based on a lot of outside factors, such as the moving, health issues, etc.. But, I see my submission evolving constantly more and more to a deeper state of submission in my thinking, no matter whether my life shows this control more or less. I feel more submissive. That doesn’t always work in my favor, sometimes. I feel much, much worse about disappointing my Master than before. I feel I am much more in tune to his disappointment in me and it makes me feel horrible. I also want more control taken from me. I want to be more and more submissive and wish I were more successful and finding this.