How do you feel when you are humbled?
I feel many things – put in my place, small, quiet, sometimes a little depressed, self-loathing, but mostly submissive. I guess it depends on the circumstances.
The other night, I was most definitely humbled. I was told many things that I didn’t want to hear, many things that I thought were not true. Usually, these discussions result in me in tears. Not this time, for some reason. Usually, I am in tears because I feel terribly hurt. Was I hurt by Master’s words last night? Yes, I was, but also I realized some things. I realized that though I feel hurt and though I honestly don’t feel that i am righteous or above my Master, he obviously feels that I feel that way. I feel sad that I must be portraying something other than I feel. Apparently, I do that all the time. That is even sadder. I get the impression that although sometimes I please, overall, I’m not what he expected long ago when we first met. Can i be sadder?
I also realized that my expectations are unreasonable. My expectations of what Dom/sub life should be like or what I would like it to be like, what I thought that he wanted, too. I think that my fantasies maybe have gotten out of control. Is that possible?
I guess everyone wants to be wanted, of course. I am not showing my Master that he is wanted by me. That is almost shocking except that I’ve often been told that. I don’t show that I want him. I’m confused. He gives me examples. I hear them, but inside I’m saying, I do that, I do that. But, I don’t say it aloud because if it were being perceived that way, then he wouldn’t feel that I’m not doing it. I guess my expressions of want for him have been too subtle. I’m very sad about this. I feel like such a failure. I feel like someone who has tried, but been unsuccessful despite attempts, despite trying. And to make matters worse, my Master has had this discussion numerous times with me. I always think I’m progressively trying harder, but I almost want to say, fuck it. Of course that isn’t how I feel at all. I’m really not even sure how I feel at all – other than “down” about it.
My Master has given me the impression that I must be more …..the word doesn’t appear in my mind…I want to say, more forward or something like that. He wants me to tell him when I am horny. I’m a failure at that. It’s not enough for him that I’m “available” and “ready” to do his bidding whenever. It’s not enough that I will take pain for him when he wants me to. He wants me to tell him when i want sex. I want sex a lot, I say. But he is angry because I don’t tell him when I do.
I have a lot of thinking to do. I feel very uncomfortable with telling him every time I want sex. Can I get over this? I think I will want it more than he does. I don’t want to pressure him. He has already told me, due to some other issues that we have had in the past, that I need to stop pressuring him. How can I reconcile these two problems?
So, humbled, yes….at my utter failure…. and that makes me so tired.