Am I sexy without sex?

That question came from a blog post by Hyacinth in her blog A Dissolute Life.  As I read a particular part of the post (entitled, “It’s Beautiful Out There”), I felt a connection.  I wanted to write a post.  Hyacinth said,  –

“When sex began to wane between me and TN I knew it was a red flag — who couldn’t think that?  But he denied it and excused it and I was left to wrestle with the question on my own, “Am I sexy if I’m not having sex?”  It’s why I started my Instagram account.  I needed more feedback and then I realized I didn’t need it anymore.  I am sexy with or without the sex.”

I replied in a comment on her blog as to how she came to that conclusion.  I need help to come to the same conclusion.  Since our sex life has become somewhat of a valley, rather than a peak, I cannot help but ask that same question of myself on a daily basis.  I do get feedback from my Dom.  C. often tells me that I look good and often looks at me naked and is very affectionate.  But…..  And he tells me that it is not because I am getting older or that I have gained a few pounds.  But, as Hyacinth says, How can I NOT think that anyway?  In addition, I then feel a bit more jealousy than usual plaguing my mind.

Perhaps I need more feedback, too.  Perhaps I should start an instagram account??  I don’t know.  Perhaps I just need more sex.  But, how to make that happen.  LOL  It’s much harder for a girl, I think.    But that’s another post.

I know sex should not define a person or make them feel better about themselves and so on.  But why not?  Being desired sexually, makes us all feel so wonderful, so happy in our skin, so satisfied.  Perhaps, a person says they desire you, but if it doesn’t come to fruition as often as it once did, then what is the conclusion?  How do you figure it out?  How do you change the feeling of “If I’m not having sex, then I must not be sexy?”

hispreciouspet

1 Comment

  1. This is a deeply complicated question. The reality is that a woman may be sexy but that does not always equal sex. As I mentioned in a previous response, all relationships have their lulls. These lulls can be spurred by so many different things. But there is typically one clear outcome. If a man isn’t chasing a woman around and doing everything he can to get in her pants then a woman doesn’t feel attractive. It seems women are often still stuck in the classic social concepts of men. If a man finds a woman attractive then he of course will be all over her. If he isn’t then she must not be attractive to him. But lets look at some of the more realistic causes for men’s periodic low points in sexual activity.

    First let’s attack the most difficult. It seems that women need to spend more time, and men need to get more comfortable discussing the penis. For a man to get the job done he of course has to be erect. Honestly, there are a lot of factors that impact a man’s erection. Periods of stress and fatigue can really hit a man where he lives by impacting his erections, which in turn has a snow ball effect. I personally have a massive ego problem, but none the less ALL men are self conscious when anything effects their erection.

    Then there is the second issue. If you have been in a long term relationship you may recognize some of this. My wife is stunning. Every man says that especially in public but honestly, my wife is smoking hot. But…… And you knew there was a but or we wouldn’t be having this conversation. There are a few things that develop simply from living a life in a long term relationship. First people often get busy, life gets hectic, especially if you have kids, and they stop with the little things. LITTLE THINGS MATTER. Kissing is a great example. Often long term couples spend less time making out and more time jumping right to it. Honestly, this can make things a lot less desirable over time. Then couples often put off their play time until it is too late in the evening or they are too tired. The desire may be there but the energy isn’t. And yes we men sometimes think we would want to, but we are too tired to make it good. And the last thing a guy wants is not to rock his woman’s world so we pass telling ourselves, tomorrow. Well this real life and often tomorrow has it’s own problems.

    Also to take credit for our part, we men often try a lot less after a few years. We don’t always put the effort into it we should. Our wives also change their behavior as well for much the same reasons. And if everyone is trying a little less to attract the other, things slow down.

    Now for me, stress is a big impact. I am deeply proud of my wife and do love to show her off. Her sex appeal is there and the desire is there. But I have periods where a combination of stress, fatigue and a little boredom get in the way.

    So how do you fix all this? Wow that is the hard part. Life is hard, work, kids, cleaning house, it all has to be done. But perhaps leaving the dishes in the sink and sharing a shower is a good idea at times. Sleeping naked of course no matter how cute her little pj’s are. It is the class stuff you always hear, you have to make time. One thing men and women both should keep in mind is that just because you won your partner already doesn’t mean your job is done. We are all guilty of this, men I think more than women. We men slack off. Personally I feel that men need to step up, including myself, and put in some more effort. Keep thinking like you did before you got in her pants and keep trying to wow her. That seems to be the piece that most long term couples let slide over time.

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