Struggling with intimacy

Wow. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this post resonates with me. I almost feel like I wrote it. My thinking and reaction would have/ is the same. Yelling out, “red, I’m done”? I had to chuckle because it sounded just like me! And then, I, too, would have dissolved into tears. Communication is the key, yes, but it is hard. It is full of complicated and conflicting emotions. Sigh..can so relate.

wildwestangel

Some of our biggest struggles as a couple are with sexual intimacy. Our drives are different. Our emotional need for it is different.

I battle thoughts that I do not hold any allure for him when sexy time is limited. I wonder if I am even attractive in any sexual way. Eventually, if it goes on for weeks, I begin to think that I am unlovable and undesirable. I head down a dark rabbit hole of negative self-talk. It isn’t pretty.

I’ve been trying not to pressure him with requests for sexual interaction. He gives me so much in terms of leadership, dominance, and impact maintence. I feel guilty for wanting intercourse, or orgasms, or sexual play every week on top of all he does for us. I hate to make him feel worse.

But to be brutally honest, most of all, I hate to ask for something that I…

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Five Guys and Two Girls

12am – I’ve got my pajamas on, brushed my teeth, settled in my bed for some brain yoga before turning out the lights.  yaaaawwwn.

Then, my Master tells me that he has a date for us, like right now!  (?!?!?!)

There is a little get together going on across town.  Four guys and one girl are having fun and we are going over to join them.  Okay.  First, I’m thinking.  Yikes!  I always get so nervous and scared when going over to play somewhere.  I worry about the same things you might imagine.  As I’m getting out of my pajamas and into some jeans and a shirt and my high heels and putting on makeup and a little jewelry and brushing my hair, I’m thinking…

Do I look okay? Wonder if I’ll be thought of as attractive?  (After all, I’m 48 and I could stand to lose 10 pounds.) Will it be fun?  Will I feel weird and out of place or will it all be good?  Will the girl mind if I am cutting in on her center of attention?

On top of all those questions, I also have anxiety about the fact that I’m on my period and so I won’t be fucking anyone.  I will, in fact, want to keep my pants on.  I will only be cock sucking, which my Master made clear to the host.

After I get dressed, and my Master is jumping in the shower, I drink a 1/2 can of soda to give me some caffeine and then my Master has poured me a glass of wine, which I down to calm my nerves.  My Master reassures me and tells me that I will be fine and that I can take it.  I like the feeling of being made to do these things.  It calms me.

We get there and my Master walks right in the door!  I’m assuming he was told to come on in.  We walk towards the moaning and into a large bedroom, where porn is happening live!  oh, wow! Everyone is naked.  The host says, to come on in and take our clothes off.  Two guys and the girl are on the bed. Arms and legs and moaning everywhere.  Two guys are standing by the bed, watching and stroking their cocks.

My Master tells me to go over and introduce myself to the guys watching.  I really don’t know what to do.  I move a little closer.  My Master goes to use the toilet and tells me that he meant for me to suck cock.  So, feeling a little sheepish, I get on my knees and start sucking the nearest cock.

I LOVE sucking cock.  I took turns sucking all the guys cocks, I think, except one.  He was totally interested in being right beside his girl, the other girl who was getting fucked on the bed.  I thoroughly enjoyed the cock sucking.  I can just use my skills, try to do my best and make my Master proud.  I don’t have to think, only listen to my Master telling to switch up or whatever.  He kept bragging about how good I was.  I was a little worried that I was not going to meet up to his bragging.  Then my Master had me to eat the girl’s pussy for awhile.  She had a very good body, small boobs, and a tiny pussy.  She tasted very good and I enjoyed sucking her clit, her lips and licking her from clit to ass as well as sticking my tongue in as deep as I could.

My Master is so awesome.  I really saw it last night.  He is so calm and cool and confident.  I really love that about him.  He really ALWAYS brings a relaxed atmosphere to every occasion.  He also has a great sense of humor, which helps everyone else to relax, too.  It helps me to relax and have a good time.  I know for a fact, that if I were with ANYONE else, that I don’t know if I could feel relaxed enough to have a good time.  In fact, I’m not sure I could make it through the door of a situation like that.  Not only do I feel more relaxed, (And let me tell you, you would never know that because much to my dismay, I turn into a giggling little girl, which I hate, and I’m trying to get over.) but also I know that he will watch over me and protect me.

3am – Everyone was exhausted.  Everyone else except us had been there and banging for hours before we arrrived.  They began to wrap things up, get dressed, and get ready to go home.

What a night! I enjoyed the attention.  I enjoyed more so, the attention that I was giving.  It seemed I was pleasing.  Most of all, my Master seemed pleased with me.  That is what I crave and need, most of all.  🙂

Corner Time

My Master has had me to stand in the corner a few times. They were all for things that he felt I had done wrong or for arguing. I remember the first time thinking, “oh, please, this is stupid and I feel ridiculous….” eye roll.

The other two times that I recall having to stand in the corner were a little different feeling.

One time he told me to take my clothes off. I thought he was going to spank or whip me, but no, then he had me to stand in the corner. Ugh. How humiliating. I felt my face totally red. I actually began to feel bad and wished it were over.

The next time he simply told me to pull my pants down and stand in the corner. Again, I felt humiliated and felt myself going red. And I ALSO felt a little turned on. And this made me more humiliated. I think that this was one of the times when I began to see that being humiliated was a turn-on.

But, I felt weird. I felt humiliated that I felt turned on and that I was red faced about it all. This feeling made me feel extremely submissive. I wanted to crawl on the floor. Even thinking about this makes me want to do more humiliating things because, honestly, I crave submission. I need it. I don’t get enough of it.

But, alas, that is another post.

Result of Asking for a Whipping.

I was drinking, wanting attention, wanting to be spanked or whipped, as I posted.

My Master read the post, came in and proceeded to “pay me some attention”!

Following are copies of the conversation that he had with a friend about the experience. 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

              

NAILS

I wish that I could afford to get my nails done. I love the gel nails. I feel so sexy. I feel so feminine. It really wouldn’t go with my job that well. But, must my job define me? The fact that my Master has said before that he likes it, makes me want it even more. My enticing fingernails around his cock, as i lick and suck. mmmmmmm. The only deterrent is sticking fingers up a woman’s pussy, then you have to be careful. 😉

Attention

I hate it when I want attention and I can’t get it. I know that makes me seem like a little brat. But, honestly, I don’t think that I EVER ask for attention. Master C is paying attention to my son, which I am happy for, I need some Dominance right now, though. I am a little lit, true, with wine. It is soooo hard, sometimes to be me.