Five Guys and Two Girls

12am – I’ve got my pajamas on, brushed my teeth, settled in my bed for some brain yoga before turning out the lights.  yaaaawwwn.

Then, my Master tells me that he has a date for us, like right now!  (?!?!?!)

There is a little get together going on across town.  Four guys and one girl are having fun and we are going over to join them.  Okay.  First, I’m thinking.  Yikes!  I always get so nervous and scared when going over to play somewhere.  I worry about the same things you might imagine.  As I’m getting out of my pajamas and into some jeans and a shirt and my high heels and putting on makeup and a little jewelry and brushing my hair, I’m thinking…

Do I look okay? Wonder if I’ll be thought of as attractive?  (After all, I’m 48 and I could stand to lose 10 pounds.) Will it be fun?  Will I feel weird and out of place or will it all be good?  Will the girl mind if I am cutting in on her center of attention?

On top of all those questions, I also have anxiety about the fact that I’m on my period and so I won’t be fucking anyone.  I will, in fact, want to keep my pants on.  I will only be cock sucking, which my Master made clear to the host.

After I get dressed, and my Master is jumping in the shower, I drink a 1/2 can of soda to give me some caffeine and then my Master has poured me a glass of wine, which I down to calm my nerves.  My Master reassures me and tells me that I will be fine and that I can take it.  I like the feeling of being made to do these things.  It calms me.

We get there and my Master walks right in the door!  I’m assuming he was told to come on in.  We walk towards the moaning and into a large bedroom, where porn is happening live!  oh, wow! Everyone is naked.  The host says, to come on in and take our clothes off.  Two guys and the girl are on the bed. Arms and legs and moaning everywhere.  Two guys are standing by the bed, watching and stroking their cocks.

My Master tells me to go over and introduce myself to the guys watching.  I really don’t know what to do.  I move a little closer.  My Master goes to use the toilet and tells me that he meant for me to suck cock.  So, feeling a little sheepish, I get on my knees and start sucking the nearest cock.

I LOVE sucking cock.  I took turns sucking all the guys cocks, I think, except one.  He was totally interested in being right beside his girl, the other girl who was getting fucked on the bed.  I thoroughly enjoyed the cock sucking.  I can just use my skills, try to do my best and make my Master proud.  I don’t have to think, only listen to my Master telling to switch up or whatever.  He kept bragging about how good I was.  I was a little worried that I was not going to meet up to his bragging.  Then my Master had me to eat the girl’s pussy for awhile.  She had a very good body, small boobs, and a tiny pussy.  She tasted very good and I enjoyed sucking her clit, her lips and licking her from clit to ass as well as sticking my tongue in as deep as I could.

My Master is so awesome.  I really saw it last night.  He is so calm and cool and confident.  I really love that about him.  He really ALWAYS brings a relaxed atmosphere to every occasion.  He also has a great sense of humor, which helps everyone else to relax, too.  It helps me to relax and have a good time.  I know for a fact, that if I were with ANYONE else, that I don’t know if I could feel relaxed enough to have a good time.  In fact, I’m not sure I could make it through the door of a situation like that.  Not only do I feel more relaxed, (And let me tell you, you would never know that because much to my dismay, I turn into a giggling little girl, which I hate, and I’m trying to get over.) but also I know that he will watch over me and protect me.

3am – Everyone was exhausted.  Everyone else except us had been there and banging for hours before we arrrived.  They began to wrap things up, get dressed, and get ready to go home.

What a night! I enjoyed the attention.  I enjoyed more so, the attention that I was giving.  It seemed I was pleasing.  Most of all, my Master seemed pleased with me.  That is what I crave and need, most of all.  🙂

Corner Time

My Master has had me to stand in the corner a few times. They were all for things that he felt I had done wrong or for arguing. I remember the first time thinking, “oh, please, this is stupid and I feel ridiculous….” eye roll.

The other two times that I recall having to stand in the corner were a little different feeling.

One time he told me to take my clothes off. I thought he was going to spank or whip me, but no, then he had me to stand in the corner. Ugh. How humiliating. I felt my face totally red. I actually began to feel bad and wished it were over.

The next time he simply told me to pull my pants down and stand in the corner. Again, I felt humiliated and felt myself going red. And I ALSO felt a little turned on. And this made me more humiliated. I think that this was one of the times when I began to see that being humiliated was a turn-on.

But, I felt weird. I felt humiliated that I felt turned on and that I was red faced about it all. This feeling made me feel extremely submissive. I wanted to crawl on the floor. Even thinking about this makes me want to do more humiliating things because, honestly, I crave submission. I need it. I don’t get enough of it.

But, alas, that is another post.

Questions for Dommes and Submissives reblogged from Exposed Loving

Exposed Loving asks the following questions of Dommes and Submissives.  I do not have a Domme, but rather a Dom.  I am bisexual, though, and have had my share of fantasies involving an imaginary Domme.  heehee.  Nevertheless, the questions are something I should like to answer.

I am definitely NOT a switch.  I’m definitely a submissive and, in fact, in a room of other subs, I would feel most comfortable as the bottom of the totem pole, or at least equal with the bottom of the totem pole.  I don’t like to top another at all.  I feel very uncomfortable at the thought.  Serving, though?  That I feel comfortable with and like, seek, yearn for.

1. What is it that you get out of the power exchange? How does it satisfy you?

I very much crave being told what to do.  First of all, I have trouble over small decisions.  Big decisions, especially, of my beliefs, I feel very strong about and have no problem stating them.  It’s the little things that I often have trouble with.  Or big decisions that I really don’t care one way or another about.  I feel I can be happy in so many many situations, especially with my Master, therefore, I don’t care about making the decision.  I don’t like control often because I don’t want the responsibility of making the wrong choice.  Often I don’t like the control because honestly, I’d rather please.  It’s like food.  Order for me because I like to eat everything and it makes me feel taken care of when you order for me.  Also, I love structure and routine made out for me.  I am most productive with this in place, less so if I am the one putting the structure in place.  Not that I don’t sometimes want to do my own thing, don’t we all.  But the result is not as good.  I also get a kinky, sexual thrill when I’m ordered to do something.  And when I’m praised for following the order.  I think by being ordered to do something, the responsibility is not mine and if it is something that I might be embarrassed to do or want to, but feel silly, or awkward, then I feel better when ordered, because I “have to”.

2. Do you understand your needs and desires to be different when you are playing than your counter part? How different? Why different?

Oh, yes.  I do.  And not just in playing, because even if it is in a small way at the time, we are 24/7.  My Master needs to be in charge.  He feels good when things go his way.  He is perfectly accepting of responsibility if things go wrong.  I don’t want to be in charge and then if things go wrong, I can graciously reassure him that it is ok if he made a mistake.  Honestly, I think I am more gracious about it.  On the other hand, he probably won’t think so.  And also, on the other hand, he is absolutely so forgiving of me when I make a mistake, particularly if it is not something that I was “in charge” of, which is not often.  I like it that way.  I feel more safe.  I believe that he feels more safe if he is the one in charge.  Another way we are different is that he has a kink to make me feel some pain, to make me feel some humiliation, to make me cry at times.  (Weirdly enough, he cannot stand it when I cry at other times, such as when someone else has hurt my feelings.  Or if we get in discussion and I cry.)  I think if he is in “charge” of the crying, then he is aroused by it.  I feel so many things when I feel pain, or humiliation or cry.  The pain and crying is a huge release.  I never would have understood that, really, until I experienced it for myself.  I think it is harder for some people, like me, to let go at times.  I have so much going on in my head all the time.  Life is so complicated, you know.  The humiliation for me, is a more recent turn on.  I honestly don’t know why it is a turn on.  I would have previously never, ever thought I would be into it.  But, I actually get turned on.  (I’m not talking about serious humiliation.  At least not at this point, anyway.  For example, I don’t think I would be comfortable being told I was a dirty fat pig when I cheated on my diet.  On the other hand, If I was given a lecture about it, then I would feel bad and lectures from my Master sometimes turn me on.  (A change over the years. lol) I would be turned on and also shamed if I were told that I had to pull down my pants and stand in the corner for something.  Being exposed is somewhat humiliating for me, embarrassing. I’m trying to think of some other examples of humiliation that might be a turn-on for me.  I guess that is another post.  😉   I also like being taken care of, kind of like a pet, not that I play a pet part, usually, but a pet, like my little lap dog, is cared for and petted and cherished, and adored.  I think my Master likes having the companionship of his pet, the service that his pet gives him.  (Not that my dog really does anything like laundry for me, but…LOL).  He likes controlling when the sex is, where the sex is, who the sex is with, all down to what movies we watch.  It makes him feel good.  I guess because he takes such good care of me and listens to my input, when I give it. (even if he doesn’t follow it, being listened to means a lot), then all that, in turn, makes ME feel good, too.  Win/win.

3. As a Domme do you wish to feel what the sub feels i.e. subspace, the pleasure of the pain? As a sub do you long to feel what your Domme feels i.e. the power and control? What about as a switch?

As a sub, I do NOT long to feel what my Dom feels.  I do not WANT the power and control.  Maybe since I had to be in control of so much during my life before him – I was the oldest child, I wore the pants in my first marriage, much as I detested it.  And I am somewhat in control at work with two assistants.  That is enough for me!  Now that I’ve tasted submission, I wish I didn’t work so i could just be a home submissive.  And I really love my job, too.  Go figure. And no, don’t ever want to be a switch, either.

4. Can you explain in your own words, why you are a Domme or why you are a submissive? Why you are a switch?

I think that basically I’ve already said this, but I am submissive because I have difficulty with being in control basically.  I have difficulty making decisions.  I mean I can give you a 2 page report on the pros and cons of each decision, but then, please, tell me the final answer so that I don’t have to feel the anxiety or burden of responsibility for the consequences.  In addition, I am somewhat shy, therefore, there are things that without urging (read ordered), I will probably never do or experience, even if I really want to.  Thus, help from my Master is so welcoming.

Opposites really do attract.  Opposites fit.  Opposites are really two halves of a whole.

Master Being Mysterious Turns into Humiliation for me

Sorry that I’m just now getting back to the mysterious night. After I was teased into thinking I might be punished by being fucked by multiple guys, and then finding out it was all just a tease, my Master still had other plans that I didn’t know about.

We sat down to watch some TV and my Master suddenly texted me a number and said, ” Text Lydia and ask her for permission to suck my cock later.” I was like, “what?”

Let me explain who Lydia was. Lydia was someone that I really didn’t know. My Master had found her online and had recently started chatting it up with her. I had never talked or texted her. But, I knew that he was chatting a bit with her and he had told me a thing or two about her. This was a commonplace thing in our life. But telling me to do this task? This was not something that I had done before! I was embarrassed and reluctant. What if she cussed me out or something. Did she know about this ahead of time? I couldn’t even concentrate on the movie because I was slightly mortified. But, I did as my Master requested and texted her. She responded back with, “Yes, you have my permission”. I said, “TY” and she said “You’re welcome.”

So, later, we go to the bedroom and he tells me to get undressed and lay across his lap where he then proceeds to smack my bottom while admonishing me for disobeying him and humiliating me more by talking about how I had to ask for permission to suck his cock. He lets me suck his cock and then fuck him, all the while telling me that he should put me in the corner and force me to listen to him fuck Lydia.

That would be sooo humiliating. I feel my face getting red just thinking about it. And the thought of being humiliated, and my face being red and having no control over the situation like that, makes me feel so submissive that I feel hot and my pussy tingles a bit.

What confusing feelings!

Can anyone relate?

Am I sexy without sex?

That question came from a blog post by Hyacinth in her blog A Dissolute Life.  As I read a particular part of the post (entitled, “It’s Beautiful Out There”), I felt a connection.  I wanted to write a post.  Hyacinth said,  –

“When sex began to wane between me and TN I knew it was a red flag — who couldn’t think that?  But he denied it and excused it and I was left to wrestle with the question on my own, “Am I sexy if I’m not having sex?”  It’s why I started my Instagram account.  I needed more feedback and then I realized I didn’t need it anymore.  I am sexy with or without the sex.”

I replied in a comment on her blog as to how she came to that conclusion.  I need help to come to the same conclusion.  Since our sex life has become somewhat of a valley, rather than a peak, I cannot help but ask that same question of myself on a daily basis.  I do get feedback from my Dom.  C. often tells me that I look good and often looks at me naked and is very affectionate.  But…..  And he tells me that it is not because I am getting older or that I have gained a few pounds.  But, as Hyacinth says, How can I NOT think that anyway?  In addition, I then feel a bit more jealousy than usual plaguing my mind.

Perhaps I need more feedback, too.  Perhaps I should start an instagram account??  I don’t know.  Perhaps I just need more sex.  But, how to make that happen.  LOL  It’s much harder for a girl, I think.    But that’s another post.

I know sex should not define a person or make them feel better about themselves and so on.  But why not?  Being desired sexually, makes us all feel so wonderful, so happy in our skin, so satisfied.  Perhaps, a person says they desire you, but if it doesn’t come to fruition as often as it once did, then what is the conclusion?  How do you figure it out?  How do you change the feeling of “If I’m not having sex, then I must not be sexy?”


Eager Beaver

According to Merriam Webster, an eager beaver is

a person who is extremely zealous about performing duties and volunteering for more

Okay, well, I guess, then I am an “eager beaver”. Our sex life has been on the downhill recently. I can’t quite figure it out. But, I have a feeling that is on the uphill. hee hee. And I’m an eager beaver, yes, yes, I am. 😉

12 Days of BDSM Christmas to my Master!!!!!

I am soooo excited that I have finally finished my 12 days of BDSM Christmas for Master! I had been trying to think of something to give him for Christmas that didn’t cost that much or that cost nothing because we are very short of money this holiday and even had to cancel our traveling plans because of some unexpected expenses. Ahhh, but that is life! So, to make it a wonderful holiday, anyway, I needed to think of something to add to my commitment to make the holiday special despite the recent change in plans. We will be home together for nearly 2 weeks. I have vacation and he works from home. So…..

I wanted to come up with 12 Love Coupons! I looked around on the internet, but mostly what I found was “printable” coupons. I didn’t want those. First off, we don’t have a printer handy. And second of all, we have a son, though he is an adult, I still prefer to keep our sex lives semi-private. Therefore, I didn’t want stray coupons hanging around, especially with specific BDSM activities on them!!

Lo and behold, I came across an awesome iphone app:
It’s called Love Voucher Coupon Designer
You can find it here:
Or you can look in the app store for the name. It’s free, but to add sexy designs, the cost is $1.99.

I almost forgot one of the cool things about this app!!!!  So, you send the “coupon” as a pic, in an email, or as I did, to my Master’s messages on his phone.  He can then “redeem” the coupons by bringing up the coupon from his pics and then I can go to the scan portion of the app on my phone and scan the coupon.  On my app, it will show that the coupon was redeemed by showing a heart.  🙂  So cool!!!!

I have to say, that it is really cool! Ready to view my 12 Days of BDSM Christmas to my Master? Here we go!!!

30 Days of Kink (Second Time Around): Day 1 – Dominant, submissive, or switch?

DAY 1: YOU… Dominant, submissive or switch? List the parts of BDSM that get your juices flowing, what interests you the most? Basically define your kinky nature.

Three years ago, I said:

For me – I am totally a submissive. Actually 100% according to the latest survey. I totally love being told what to do and the more forcefully told, the more I love it and the wetter it makes me.

Two and one-half years ago, I said:

I am most definitely a sub.  In all areas of my life except….my career, and with my kids, but with my Master, who is also my husband, I am submissive.  I crave it, love it, need it, want it, and it turns me on…I desire it!  I am totally interested in serving my Master as well as being on the receiving end of Domination including pain – ie- spanking, some humiliation, and many other kinks that go with the lifestyle.  We live a 24/7 lifestyle as we can while still living our lives with families and career, etc..

Note: I am no longer a leader with my children. They are all grown and only one lives at home, though he is 21.

And now:

I am definitely a submissive. I am not a leader in most situations, although at work, I am. LOL I’ve heard that this is common among submissives. But even in the work place I have two assistants under me, but many more are higher than me on the totem pole. And, in talking about submissiveness and my own life, if/when we add another, or more submissives to our lives, I will not top them or be over them. I would be at the bottom of the totem pole except in my Master’s eyes, where I am his number 1.

I crave being told what to do. I think I have struggled my whole life with decision making. It has been a major problem in my life. I have gotten better as the years have passed, but I still struggle. I don’t usually struggle with major issues like what I feel is right or wrong, but more minor issues such as what should I buy? I like rules and rituals and I like the part of submissiveness that lets me be taken care of and my serving in return. My Master being stern with me gets me hot unless he is admonishing me. I like some humiliation. I like some pain. Most of all, I love to see my Master pleased, turned on, by me or with my help. 🙂

Feeling Used.  Feeling Good.  Details from Last Night –

photo - Copy

One of the kinks that Master likes and I’ve also come to like, is dirty talking with others.  My Master enjoys other women.  I think I’ve posted about that before.  We are poly, but that means so many different things to different people.  So here is what transpired last night.

We were sitting on our bed, each on our own laptops and phones.  LOL.  But we are more together than you think.  We talk to each other and text and show each other things on our phones and laptops all the time.  And we know what each other is doing.  We share.  We also share my Master’s enjoyment of another woman.  I start to get up from the bed and I say that I guess I should get ready for bed.  Honestly, I should have said, “May I get ready for bed?”  But also, he probably should enforce that.  He said that he met a woman online who is interested in listening to us have sex and talking while we do, and so he wanted to have his cock sucked while he talked to the woman.  Her name was Marcella.  Oooooo….I suddenly got very excited. I love it when he uses me like that.  It is a real turn on.  I love being involved in this scenario.  So, I ask him if I can have a few minutes to get ready.  And he says yes.  So, I get ready for bed and then come back to the bedroom and start to undress.  He has already undressed and is texting, I assume, to Marcella.  As I get into bed, he calls Marcella.  He starts chatting with her a bit and then tells me to get down between his legs and start sucking his cock.  I readily comply because I really am a cock whore.  I LOVE to suck cock.  My Master tells me that I am the best all the time and this, of course, makes me proud and also makes me want to do it more.  I have to keep on top of my game, after all!  He talks to her and finds out that she is submissive switch and has been in a Dom/sub relationship, but is currently single.  He tells her about me that I am a good submissive, that I am shy and that I’m a wonderful cock sucker and brags about me a bit.  He has me to lick his cock and suck his balls and as he gets more and more turned on, he gets more and more forceful and talks more and more dirty and the whole things is just turning me on more and more.  He asks me questions such as, “Do you like it that Marcella is getting my cock hard?”  and makes me answer yes, so that Marcella can hear.  He makes me say TY to Marcella over and over throughout the play.  Then he tells me to turn my ass toward him while I’m sucking his cock so that he can spank me.  He tells Marcella how much he likes her cute little voice and that it makes him hard.  He spanks me a couple swats and tells me that Marcella is gasping each time I get smacked and he likes that.  He asks Marcella if she wants him to spank me more and I assume she says yes, because he then starts swatting me more and more and telling me that he is spanking me because Marcella wants it.  In these situations, I am the bottom.  He reminds me of this.  He asks me if I understand.  I say yes.  I’m so torn up at this point that I really will submit to anything, I think.  He tells me to straddle his chest, 69-style so he can see my little asshole.  Then he starts to rub his finger in circles around my asshole with a wet finger and telling Marcella that he will finger that ass for her if she wants and maybe she wants him to fuck me in the ass.  I’m dying I’m so horny.  I’m rubbing my pussy on his chest and playing with his balls and getting my ass fingered and my shyness has all but disappeared.  He says that’s it, you are going to get fucked in the ass.  Then he gets up, laying the phone on the bed while he gets lube.  He tells me to lay down and I lay face down on the bed. The phone is near my head.  He pours some lube on, and starts to enter me…..oh, the burn!  I’m half crying, half moaning, half sucking in my breath because it hurts.  He is gentle and goes in slow, but damn it hurts.  But it hurts good.  As he gets all the way in, I feel his cock and balls pulsing wildly.  I’m thinking he is ready to cum.  Then he starts fucking me, talking to me and Marcella and telling me to make him cum.  Come on, he says, you can take it for me, can’t you, slut?  Oh, yes, Sir,  I can.  He fucks me and fucks me while I whine and moan and finally he lets his load go.  I love hearing him cum as he grunts and talks.  He does not cum quickly.  I mean when he cums, he does not usually cum for a mere 3 or 4 seconds.  The release of his cum just seems to go on and on.  I love it.  So, his final thrusts and grunts go on over and over.  OH, I really, really love it.  Then I feel proud because he always tells me what a good, good girl I am.  He kisses the back of neck and my shoulders and my tattoo between my shoulder blades.  Then he talks to Marcella for a minute, telling her how much he enjoyed talking with her, asking if she enjoyed it, and telling her to text anytime.  After he hangs up, he again tells me how hot he was for me and how good it was.  I’m so happy.  He pulls out, which I HATE!  As he cleans himself off, I ask if I can have the vibrator.  He says yes. I put the vibrator on my clit and he sucks my nipples and slaps my tits and bites me and talks to me, telling me to cum for him.  My asshole is sore and burning, still, and that makes my clit even more sensitive. I am so turned on that I cum so fast and hard that I scream and my left hamstring cramps up.  LOL  ohhhh that hurt.  And then we both laugh.  And then I start again. And he starts again, holding my neck, mmmm, and smacking me here and there, telling me to cum for him.  After a few minutes, (or several, who’s counting, it feels so good!), I finally cum again really hard, really good, panting, and spent.  Mmmmmmmm…..we cuddle and then go to sleep.  Awesome evening!