Pain not Pleasure or Pleasure not Pain or Both Pain And Pleasure

My parents spanked me and my sisters for punishment.  It was never sexual in any way whatsoever.  One time, however, when I was 13 or so, I remember that my mother spanked me.  It was very rare that she would have spanked me at this age.  I believe that all of us, me and my siblings, were getting swatted for some reason.  She always just swatted us on the behind with a wooden spoon, over clothing.  But THIS time, after about the 3rd swat, I felt really weird. I think I was actually feeling a twinge of “turned on”.  I turned to my mother and told her to stop and I told her that she would have to punish me in other ways because I was too old to be spanked.  My mother was surprised, but never spanked me again.

When I was an adult just embarking upon kinky sex, I knew that for some reason I was totally intrigued and turned on by spankings.  I would search the internet for spanking pics, stories, and videos.  I remember, as a youngster, reading a porn magazine that belonged to my father.  It was a Pent House magazine and there was a story in there about this woman who had gone clothes shopping with either her sisters or friends.  Upon returning, her husband was very mad at her for having purchased all this clothing.  As I remember the story, he decided he wanted her to try on and show him all the clothing that she bought.  She and the other girls with her were made to model all the clothing that they bought and then they were all spanked  as punishment.  I was very turned on at a young teenager at reading this story.  I also remember, much later into adulthood, in particular, watching this video (obviously a common porn story scenario, but I didn’t know that, having watched virtually zero porn up to this point), where a young woman was ushered into an office where she was being “interviewed” for something.  The guy told her to get up on the table and he said something like, “Let’s see how much you can take.”   The girl got up on the desk and spread her legs and the guy proceeded to lightly flog her pussy.  Okay, it really, really turned me on.  I watched the video and then spread my legs and gently smacked my pussy a few times, rubbing my clit until I came!

So, when I first met my Master, I knew that I liked to be spanked.  But that was all there was to tell at that time.  My views changed with my experience.  At times, when my Master would spank me, I would get really turned on and want him to spank harder – especially if he built up slowly.  Then he began to use other implements on me besides his hand – a wooden spoon, a belt, a small flogger, a plastic hanger.  I began to find that after a little bit of pain, I would suddenly be more sensitive everywhere in my body and then want a little more to increase that sensitivity.

I also wanted my pussy spanked.  Not really directly on my clit, because I have an extremely sensitive clit – dammit.  Not enough to make me cum fast, but more than enough to turn a light smack in the wrong place (or right place) into enormous pain.  But, I began to learn that spanking or smacking my pussy lips and inner thighs and ESPECIALLY right over my vagina made me very turned on and in turn made me want to cum, badly.

I have found other pain to also be a turn on to me – face slapping, nipple pinching and breast slapping.  For me it seems to be not only the pain factor or build up of pain factor that begins to cause me pleasure, but also the submissive factor.

I don’t know how I began to want more pain.  I know that when I first became sub to my Master, I remember telling him that I didn’t want to receive marks on me at all and I only wanted slight pain.  The first time that I had marks, I was thrilled.  I had asked for marks because it was going to be awhile before I was going to see my Master again, as this was before we married, and I wanted marks to remind me of Him.  I think  the marks reminded me of the pain and the pain took the pleasure meter way up.  I also remember one of the first times that I was spanked by my Master in a very slow, methodical way.  It was very slow and very easy, but for a long period of time before increasing.  I remember as the smacks became harder, I really think I started to zone a bit.  And I really hardly felt the smacks, all of a sudden.  It startled me and I quickly came out of the zone.  But I remember thinking….Oh, WOW!  I wonder if this is what I’ve heard about…the sub space?  Anyway, I haven’t experienced that again, but I have learned to tolerate more and more pain with the wonderful prize of becoming more excited and turned on.  YAY!

Does this mean that I ALWAYS feel pain and then get turned on?  UH…NO!  There is a difference between pain for punishment and pain for torture.  Read previous post on this subject.  

When I feel vulnerable, then I feel more turned on – simply put.  Being spanked makes me feel vulnerable.  Feeling pain makes me feel vulnerable. Feeling humiliated or treated as more of an object or a little girl or someone who needs taken care of.   And this, in turn, makes me feel more turned on and more excited.  Thus I want more and more.   I also know that when my Master smacks me, or humiliates me, He gets hard.  THAT is the best of all!

 

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TMI Tuesday: July 17, 2012 DARING: What are your 50 shades?

1. I enjoy the idea that my partner wants to inflict pain on me that:

a. makes me curious
b. is titillating and sexually arousing
c. that leaves me screaming and/or crying because that’s the way I like it

The fact that my Master wants to inflict pain on me is very sexually arousing to me.  I think that it is because I know that it arouses him!  I want to be screaming, squealing and crying not because I like the pain, but rather because first of all, I really, really want to please my Master and I really, really want my body to please him.  I want to be the thing that gets my Master off…however that is..truly!  I have also learned that pain heightens everything for me…including arousal in myself.

2. Do you like being forced to dress or act in a way that is humiliating? If yes, please describe. If no, why not?

Read above.  I really want my body to be used however my Master wants.  If you really want to please someone or to have your body be the vehicle that is the arousal source, then you will feel privileged to be made to dress or act in any fashion.  I think this only works if you truly know that you are pleasing or getting your partner aroused.  It only makes sense to me that someone who craves control will want to CONTROL his partner in a variety of fashions…perhaps whatever whim may come…perhaps he may only be trying out things to see what he thinks…or perhaps he knows what excites him and wants it.  Making someone to dress at command or to dress provocatively or to dress younger such as school girl outfits can magnify this power or control, I think.  I also think that talking demeaning can also be used as a power thing, too.  Humiliating someone by making them do things that they don’t really want to do, is also a power thing.  If you trust your partner and want to submit, then doing these things will make one feel more submissive, less powerful, more controlled, and more aroused indeed!

3. Do you like seeing bruises, scars, or marks that were caused during sex on either you or your partner? What kind of marks?

When I first got into BDSM, I only knew the spanking aspect and had only begun to gain knowledge of things like caning and whipping.  At that time I was adamant that I did not want severe pain and absolutely no marks left, especially no bleeding!  But, as time has passed, my curiosity has increased ten-fold.  As I’ve experienced different kinds of spankings, I have wanted more and more and for it not to end when I’m actually being spanked!  Then when I first received bruises, I was like on a thrill every time I went to the bathroom and looked at my behind in the mirror.  Yep!  I was hooked!  I remember one time when I was going to visit family, I asked my Master to please mark me up so that I could have marks on me to ‘remind’ me of him during the visit…even though he was going with me I knew there would not be too much kinkyness!  And, now, I wish that I could receive marks all the time!!!  I read where some Master’s want their subs to take more and more and so I’ve tried at times to resolve myself to take more the next time my Master chooses to spank or whip me with the little flogger, but I don’t usually last long or he stops probably fearing that I am not being able to take it.  Then again, I guess I should discuss this with him because maybe that is not an interest of his at all to make me take more and more?  I’ll let you know on that aspect.  Anyway, because of more and more exposure I have wanted to experience some different things – more pain and maybe even more severe that might cause me to bleed a little bit.  I know that my Master is not into that at all as we’ve discussed it before.  I do know that as far as humiliation he would like to humiliate me more than he does, but he is afraid of hurting me.  I have tried to reassure him, but really don’t know what else to do?  Any suggestions? I would like to humiliated to the point of crying because I think that would make me feel so so vulnerable and even as I started into the BDSM lifestyle, I knew that that is the ONE things above all that really gets me off….that is feeling vulnerable…feeling that I have to endure something…whether pain, chores, humiliation by someone being ‘mean’ to me, or making me do things, …okay…getting hot at this post…let’s ahem move on..

4. Would you like to be forced to do sexual things that you don’t necessarily like to do? Yes or No.

Yes, especially by Master or under the direction of my Master.  First of all, because it makes me feel vulnerable…see above.  Second, because my Master has this way of making me feel so small and so controlled and so captivated and I truly want to do anything to please and the ‘wanting to do anything’ is such a turn on me.  It makes me feel so desired and wanted and sexy and if I’m being praised then ooo…yea..it’s good…even if it is hard to do. 

5. Do you want to be forced to watch your lover with someone else? Yes, No or It depends.

It depends.  It depends on whether I feel that my Master still considers me number 1 and if I am still involved somehow.  This is something that my Master and I have talked at length about.  I believe we are on the same page with this subject.

6. What dirty (sometimes inappropriate) things do you like to say to your sexual partner?

I rarely say anything dirty unless my Master makes me.  Which, by the way, he often does.  He likes to make me say that I am his slut and so forth.  I like and I don’t like it.  First of all, it is embarrassing, and so I don’t like to do it, but on the other hand, after I’ve said it and he says, ‘good girl’, then I feel good about myself and want to keep being a good girl.  

Bonus: Finish this statement: I like being powerful in bed because __________ .  Actually, I don’t like to be powerful in bed at all.

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Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy

I don’t think that I have any one particular overriding fantasy.  I enjoy basically any kind of control over me.  I particularly think about being controlled in public, though usually far away from where I live to prevent running into coworkers or family or neighbors.  In these fantasies, I often imagine that I am wearing sexy simple clothing such as a skirt and tank or tank dress and for some reason, my Master is not pleased with me, even if it is something that I didn’t do on purpose, and as punishment he might make me lift my skirt to reveal no panties and a smooth pussy.  As he berates me, he spanks my pussy to my total humiliation, particularly since someone could easily see, increasing my humiliation.  However, I comply because I must.  I want to please my Master as well as not make him angrier – this, a fear, that increases the wetness of my pussy.  I am further humiliated by the fact that I cannot help but be aroused, wet, and wanting to cum.

I also fantasize about my Master spanking or whipping or otherwise torturing me for his pleasure only.  Of course I want/need to be punished when I disobey or displease my Master (and he doesn’t do this enough), but also when he just wants to!  Perhaps he is stressed out or mad at someone else, but tells me that he must punish me in order to relieve his stress or because he is displeased with someone/something else.  I feel this as serving even more so!  And since I love to serve in this manner, it is a huge turnon.

What do you think?