Day 29 of 30 Days of Submission: Pain and Humiliation

Day 29 – Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

Most definitely. I found myself to be turned on by spanking before I ever knew what BDSM or submission was. That aspect of myself is what actually was the link to finding myself submissive. As I began to explore the net and search out spanking, I began to come across BDSM and that, in turn, led to the realization that I was submissive and began to explore BDSM.

I enjoy a certain amount of pain and humiliation because it makes me feel more submissive which makes me more turned on which makes me want more pain and humiliation. Plus, I really want to please my Master and when i see that he enjoys administering pain and humiliation, then it turns me on and makes me feel more submissive and thus more turned and so on and so on.

I don’t enjoy punishment which I find different than torture. Torture is for turn on for either or both a Dom/sub, while punishment is administered to sub by Dom due to infraction and isn’t meant to be a turn-on. I do not enjoy punishment at all. First, the fact that my Master is not happy with me makes me pretty upset and so I’m not turned on at all. Plus, he administers punishment more quickly and harshly than the slow build up of torture.

I do totally embrace the pain and humiliation that is part of my submission to my Master.

Pain in BDSM

My Master gave me this topic PAIN to blog about, particularly in light of some statements that I made recently after a rather harsh punishment from him.

I’ve blogged on the topic of pain versus pleasure a bit:

The following post tells a little of how I got to the point where I realized that I liked pain.
Pain not pleasure or pleasure not pain or both

And this post defines the definition between TORTURE and PUNISHMENT.
Punishment vs. Torture

In our BDSM relationship, my Master has used some pain with me. It has become more and more intense throughout our relationship. When we first met, I remember my limits as being that I wanted to be spanked, but wanted no marks. Gradually, I began to feel differently. I credit that completely to my Master’s influence. Now I actually feel that he is somewhat of a sadist and I, a masochist. (He enjoys inflicting pain for his pleasure and I enjoy receiving pain for my pleasure or for his.)

How did he do this? Many many subtle ways. So subtle that it was hard to see that it was his influence and not just completely my evolvement. One thing we used to do quite often, was to sit at night on our bed with a computer between us (and each wearing headphones, because we had teenagers in the house) and he would select porn clips and we would watch them. And then he would ask me, “How do you feel about this clip?” “What do you like and don’t like?” I would answer honestly, often asking questions. I know that I would often respond with “That looks scary.” But, reading and watching really did change how I thought and gradual introduction into some of these things got me very excited and gradually changed my views and wants and needs. My Master would also show me how hard his cock was getting while spanking me and the fact that allowing him to spank me was not only exciting but getting him hard was a huge turn-on. Being submissive, I want to make him hard. And as I’ve been conditioned to think, making my Master hard and making him cum are my two number one objectives as his submissive. See how it works?

Another aspect that influenced my wanting more pain was being marked. After my first desire to get marks, which I discussed about in the links above, I began to get excited and actually want marks. I think that I am actually hard to mark and so that also feeds into me wanting more intense torture.

Again, read my post above for the difference between TORTURE and PUNISHMENT. There are two main aspects to the differences between the two.

First of all, TORTURE is for the pleasure of my Master. I also feel pleasure, either in pleasing him, or physically enhancing my own excitement, or both. My Master achieves this by a rather slow build up of the pain he is inflicting. He may start with very mild spanks and build up very slowly. With this kind of a build up, I can take so, so much more pain and it builds up huge excitement and desire for me. In addition to the physical factor, there is the mindset. Knowing ahead of time that I am to please my Master and this is for his pleasure sets me in the mind-frame for pleasing him and I may also find pleasure and this is exciting and full of desire.

PUNISHMENT, on the other hand, is to atone for a wrong and is not meant for pleasure. My Master usually achieves this by both rapid and direct infliction of pain and by expressing verbally his unhappiness with my behavior. I respond immediately by becoming very upset. I do not like to displease my Master. As time has gone on, this has become much more intense for me. He does not have any happy build-up, oh no! And sometimes his punishments are quite harsh to me. In another words, no pleasure here. I hurt and want it to stop.

Recently, my Master responded to a very nasty and horrible behaving sub, …me. 😦 He grabbed me and literally ripped some of my clothing and whipped me horribly with a belt. I was crying and I felt horrible. This was because I knew that I had done wrong. I was so upset with myself at being so horrible and saying such a nasty thing to him. And he was EXTREMELY mad. I had no time to prepare for the intense pain and it hurt! This last punishment was also different in that he did not let up very quickly at all. I think in the past he has been swift with some punishment and inflicted a bit of pain on me, but not to the extent and length that this past punishment was endured. (And honestly, I am such a baby for pain. Those who know me would never ever believe that I was into pain for any pleasure!) After the punishment, I started thinking that I didn’t think I was into pain anymore. Basically, I think it was a jump to the fact that I most CERTAINLY did not want to experience any punishment like that again. So I actually told my Master that I didn’t think I was into pain anymore. Of course, soon – a week or two, maybe, I had already changed my mind.

Things had already become right with the world and I knew that this last punishment had indeed made a very big impression on me. I hate to say this, because it makes me feel like a child, but the consequence, I feel, will greatly hinder me from saying anything nasty – at least for a long, long time.

I had actually forgotten that I had even said that I didn’t think that I was into pain anymore, but I’m sure my Master had not. We had already begun to make some changes in our life to increase my submission since settling down from the move, somewhat, and one of things he wished to implement was more TORTURE for his pleasure. I, of course, was happy to oblige. The night occurred about a week or so ago. My Master had me to undress and started to spank me and then use the belt on my ass. He was very, VERY slowly starting a buildup. I was not apprehensive at all, because I was into the moment of wanting him to fuck me and wanting to please me. I think he must have had a test in mind, because he didn’t fuck me right away. Instead he continued on and on. Finally starting to gently smack my pussy with the belt. I was already sooo turned on and this was driving me completely wild. I was trying to spread my legs farther and trying to tilt my pussy by arching my back more, so as to give him better access for smacking my pussy with the belt. I wanted MORE pain. But, as this was TORTURE, not PUNISHMENT, then it was being perceived COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

So, in conclusion, yes, yes I am into pain by way of TORTURE. How much? This, I am not sure of. I have only been spanked by hand, wooden spoon, belt, and a silicon flogger and I don’t think that these things have been administered with too much force in my experiences with TORTURE by my Master. The future is still a mystery to unwrap! 🙂

Punishment vs. Torture

In the context of our BDSM relationship, we have defined TORTURE as something that is for fun or purely arousal.  In fact the definition of torture is the action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or to force them to do or say something, or for the pleasure (in SM, this may be sexual pleasure) of the person inflicting the pain.  I may be spanked purely as torture or I may be spanked as PUNISHMENT which is not fun and is a result of atonement for wrong doing.  The definition of punishment is the infliction or imposition of a penalty as retribution for an offense.

Why is this important?  In our relationship, it is very important to differentiate the two.  I sometimes want to ASK for either TORTURE or PUNISHMENT.  If I have been bratty and then proceed to ask for my Master to TORTURE me,   (As in I’m horny and wish to be spanked, because it is a turn-on for me.), then my Master not only will NOT want to give me any pleasure at all, but also this will anger him because I have not properly yet paid for my offense(s).  On the other hand, if I am feeling the need to really want to pay for my crimes and I want him to give me punishment in order to show how very sorry I am and want to feel that I have atoned, then he will be happy with my request.

This was our discussion today and I feel so happy to have this clarification.  I feel so much better and I can’t wait for tonight after the movie time so that I can get on my knees and ask for further punishment.  I do feel like He punished me some today with the capcaisin cream and spanking, but I really want to properly get on my knees and ask for punishment, partly to set forth in my mind what this means and how very much I want to show my repentance and how sorry I am.  I want to show him tears of sorrow for my behavior.  I want to feel the submissiveness that I also know He wants me to feel.